What did the astronaut see on his skillet? Unidentified frying (flying) objects.
A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree. Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough. While trying, he falls to the ground. They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls. The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree. The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy. He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree. "OK guys, the tree is 14' 6." He then gets in his truck and drives away. The two botanists are stunned and speechless. Finally one says to the other ,"How do you like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree and that stupid jerk measures the width."
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup! Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading
What dog do other dogs tell their problems to? A complaint Bernard!
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"
Q: What is dumber than the Blonde jokes above? A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these damn things.
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club? "Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter "They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ? A little bear !
What do you say to a hitchhiking frog ? Hop in !
Q: What is a crowbar? A: A place were crows go to get a drink!
What language do the Vatican Police speak? Pig Latin!
Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
What do you call a mayfly with a criminal tendencies ? Baddy long legs !
Communicating with Cattle by I. Ken Mooue
What is a jockey's motto? Put your money where your mount is!
What's so bad about being a dick? Your closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you in a plastic bag, And every time you get excited you spew.
Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant? He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.
Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon ? Because he was dead !