Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do? Hide the tiddley winks.
I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake? No!
What is a spiders favourite TV show ? The newly web game !
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
The wedding was over, and the reception was in full swing. Dave an usher, was having a great time with other members of the wedding party. His wife, Betty was not. "Don't be to mad at Dave," a friend told her. "He did a terrific job. I'd be glad to have him usher at my wedding." "Yeah," Betty replied, "I wish he had been an usher at mine."
Q: Why do bikes have kick-stands? A: Because they're two-tired.
Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly? Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog. Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
What did the bee say to the naughty bee ? Bee-hive yourself !
The Insomniac by Eliza Wake
Sargeant Williams was the newest drill instructor at AOCS, Aviation Officer Candidate School and as such was always trying to impress his company commander and the other officers in the Command. Daily he was seen jumping all over his officer candidates and yelling at them as he supposedly developed them into future Naval Officers. We were lined up behind his company awaiting our turn to go into the mess hall for lunch. We all listened as Sargeant Williams yelled at his company, " you will eat in a military fashion, enjoy this delicious meal and fall by in formation at 1215, do you worms understand me?" "Yes drill sargeant." "There are only three rules in this galley, shut up, eat up and get up, do you pukes understand me?" "Yes drill sargeant." "Then proceed. Company forward march." When they got inside, they were surprised to see several Miss Florida contestants getting a tour of the mess hall. Not one to let an opportunity slip by the drill sargeant yelled at the top of his lungs, " bravo company what is the first rule of the mess hall?" To his chagrin, his company all yelled out in unison, "shut up drill sargeant!"
What is a cow's favourite TV show ? Dr Moo !
You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school? A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
What did the snake say to the cornered rat ? Hiss is the end of the line for you !
Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you !
Whats green and goes round and round at 100 miles an hour ? A frog in a blender !