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What is the meaning of afford? It's the car most sales representatives drive.

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

Why are elephants wiser than chickens ? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant ?!

Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.

"Now as I understand it, Sir," said the police officer to the motorist, "you were driving this vehicle when the accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?" "I'm afraid not, officer," replied the motorist. "I had my eyes shut!"

Cross-Eyed Monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver. Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.

A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader, "Could you read my palm?" He shows his hand to her, and she says, "But...I can't read your hand." "Why?" the man asks. "I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.

Q: What are the three types of men? A: The handsome, the caring, and the majority.

Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.

Braxton and Hollis had jobs at a California cotton mill. One morning the foreman came along and found Braxton reading a letter to his coworker. "Hey," cried the foreman, "what kind a horseplay you two guys up to?" "Hollis got a letter from his girlfriend," explained Braxton, "but he can't read; so Ah'm readin' the letter for him." "How come you got the cotton in your ears?" "Hollis don't want me to hear what his girlfriend writ to him!"

How can you tell if a monster has a glass eye? Because it comes out in conversation

What's more dangerous than being with a fool ? Fooling with a bee !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then !

- How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile? - Two. One to launch it, one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

What's the matter son? The boy next door said I look just like you? What did you say? Nothing he's bigger than me !

Fred: Do you think I'm a fool? Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?

What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on? A Perch!

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist ? Tooth Hurty !

Q: Why did the witch's mail rattle? A: It was a chain letter.