Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, "Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner." "What did it say on the banners?" Clinton asks. Saddam replies, "Allah is god, god is Allah." Clinton says, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner." "What could you see on the banners?" Saddam asks. Clinton replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
Starting his new job at the zoo, the eager young zoo keeper asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task. "Go and clean out the aquarium" he was told. Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do. "Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything". So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions. "Dont worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything". So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. "I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage. The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks. "Fine" comes the reply from one lion. "And whats the food like?" she asks. "Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".
Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
Pa's being chased by a bull! Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it? Get me some film for my camera!
How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders.
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
your mamas feet are so scaly you can see crocodile dundy in her foot bath.
"Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?" "No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face."
Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man? A: Stupid!
I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently. A sales man came out and said: 'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!' Later I learned he was talking about the payments.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol. He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, 'Use this all over yourself and think of me.' Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk an d walked out the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater ? Terrified !
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles.
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
What do you call an ant who skips school ? A truant !
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain.
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
Have you heard about the goodweather witch? She's forecasting sunny spells.