What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ? She had mittens !
What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film? Stop playing it cagey!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Cuba ! Cuba who ? Cuba wood !
Did you hear about the pig's vacation? They had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up as bears and raided all the garbage cans.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'
What aftershave do monsters wear? Brute.
What is the Ape monster's name? Godzilla Gorilla!
Camp Woodland was across the road from a dairy farm. One day the kids saw a large bull. 'Is that bull safe?' someone asked the farmer. 'Safer than you are!' was his answer.
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To get to the chick across the street!
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went thr ough your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist ? Kermit the Fog !
ur mama is sooo fat, she sat on a dollar and made 4 quarters pop out.
Why did the condom cross the road? Because it was pissed off.
Mandy was applying for a summer job. 'How old are you?' asked the owner of the store. 'I'm twelve years old, Sir,' answered Mandy. 'And what do you expect to be when you grow up ?' 'Twenty one, Sir.'
I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking. What did he say? He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate. Did that do any good? No - I can't get the chocolate to light.
A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that." Guy says, "That's how you cut it last time"
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
People keep telling me I'm beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman s nipples for? A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.'